The 12 Best Epic Rap battles of History- Begin!

At its best, Epic Rap Battles of History combines great tracks, fantastic and clever lyrics, and some fine acting and costumes to create an addictive “must watch again” video.

The main men, Epic Loyd and Nice Peter, together with the greatest comedy rap lyric writer of all time- Zach Sherwin, created a juggernaut fully worth of the praise and the millions of views.

Here are my picks for the best battles ever made.

12. Shaka Zulu Vs. Julius Caesar

Why it’s great: It’s brawn against brains in this one. Brawn against  extremely sinister brain. Nice Peter is a fantastic actor, and I think he is overdue for a Hollywood call-up.
While Shaka Zulu is far too nice (he smiles at the end of his first part), Caesar is all calculating and menacing military leader. This a marvelous performance.

Who won: Caesar, and even Shaka knows this.
Best part:
“Because there’s no use in murdering you and your heathen

You can grow my wheat for me, after you’re beaten”
Caesar’s last line, echoing what happened to Rome’s former rivals, Carthage and Egypt.

 

11. Stephen King Vs. Edgar Allan Poe 

 

Why it’s great: Zach Sherwin makes a fantastic Stephen King, referencing his many, many books in a hilarious tone.

Who won: The King.
Best part:
“Masque of the Red Death? Barely blood curdling
Pit and the Pendulum? Not even unnerving.
Perving on your first cousin when she’s thirteen years old? Now that’s disturbing!”
I love Poe, but his stories have not stood the test of time when it comes to being scary.

10. Fredrick Douglass Vs. Thomas Jefferson

 

Why it’s great: Frederick Douglass gives a “straight out of Compton” intro and never lets up. It’s a unique battle, as Jefferson’s reactions change from wariness to discomfort and shame. I don’t necessarily agree with the conclusion- Jefferson was a man of his times, after all, but it’s still powerful stuff.
Who won: It stopped being a contest after the first part. An understanding was reached.

Best part:
“You got a self evident truth of your own
You let freedom ring but never picked up the phone”
Ouch!

 

9. Ash Ketchum Vs. Charles Darwin

Why it’s great: Two characters famous for going on journeys to collect exotic animals- what a brilliant idea. These opposites don’t attract, but they make for an interesting battle.
Who won: Darwin, with that last verse.

Best part:
“And it was hard losing my daughters and their brother
As hard as the wood that Oak gave your mother”
Combined with the look on Darwin’s face, it’s perfection.

 

8. Einstein Vs. Stephen Hawking

Why it’s great: two of the greatest geniuses in the history of physics, Einstein gets some mean lines and hawking has a mean beat.
Who won: Draw.
Best part: Hawking’s smile/triumphant face when he utters these immortal lines
“There are ten million million million million million million particles in the universe that we can observe
Your mama took the ugly ones and put them into one nerd”

 

7. Gandhi Vs. Martin Luther King Jr.

Why it’s great: Short but sweet, the 20th century’s most non-violent leaders tear into each other’s weaknesses. What’s not to like?
Who won: Gandhi.
Best part:
“I am passively resisting the fact that you suck
I am celibate because I don’t give a fuck”

6. Barack Obama Vs. Mitt Romney

Why it’s great: The Obama imitation is fantastic. But this battle belongs to Abe Lincoln and his giant eagle. Never has a rapper been this intense. Every word is delivered with absolute conviction.
Who won: Honest Abe.
Best part:
“You,  I want to like you
Don’t talk about change, just do it!
I fought for what was on my brain until a bullet went through it!!!”
One of the best lines in the history of rap and history.

 

5. Goku Vs. Superman

Why it’s great:You wouldn’t think anyone would have a chance against Superman.
But, by the time the rap battle is finished, the smart money would be on Goku.
He is like that mean and crazy guy no one wants to mess with

Who won: Goku
Best part:
“Don’t lecture me about fights, you caped coward!
You got your ass beat by a bat with no powers!
There’s only one way that this battle’s gonna end:
One more Superman who’s never gonna walk again!”
RIP Christopher Reeve

 

4 Artists Vs. TMNT

Why it’s great: Even though the turtles suck, the renaissance artists’ part has a fantastic beat and incredible “mic” transfers. 

Who won: The Italians
Best part: Raphael passes it up to his man on the ceiling.
“Yo, Raphael, and I came to flow

Deemed dope by the Pope and I boned til I croaked
I’m an emcee Shredder but I get the feeling
I should pass it up to my man on the ceiling!

Oh, Michelangelo, and I’m a giant!
I made David, but I’ll slay you like Goliath!
I’m a rap God, and you can’t quite touch me!
This battle’s your Last Judgement, trust me!”

 

 

3. Eastern Philosophers Vs. Western Philosophers

Why it’s great: After a soccer duel with Monty Python, Nietzsche and Socrates team up with Voltaire to face the beasts from the East. Rarely have lowbrow and highbrow merged so seamlessly.

Who won: The Western philosophers, especially Nietzsche.
Best parts: Nietzsche’s first part, Nietzsche’s face when his mustache is criticized, Nietzsche’s second part. Did I mention Nice Peter is amazing?
“You need to take control of the life you’re given!

They call me Übermensch ’cause I’m so driven!”

“‘Cause I’m N-I-E-T-Z-S-C-H-E,
And I’ll end any mother fucker like my name in a spelling bee!”

 

2. Sir Isaac Newton Vs. Bill Nye

Why it’s great: Bill Nye puts up one hell of a fight, considering his status.
Also, Newton delivers the best verse in the history of the battles.

Who won: Newton, and not even Tyson can change that.
Best part: This beauty, delivered bya pissed off Sir Isaac Newton, captures his brilliance and his well-documented arrogance.
“I accelerated the mind of mankind to a higher plane of understanding, and

I can calculate the weight and the size and the shape of the shadow of the mind you’re standing in!”

 

  1. Alexander the Great Vs. Ivan the Terrible

 


Why it’s great: Five characters, all with brilliant and very different parts. Ivan is the best “character” in the history of the battles, and a great and underrated rapper. Alexander delivers a fast and unbeatable rap. Frederick the Great’s flute intro will have you chanting “old Fritz” uncontrollably, plus his dance moves are compelling. Pompey gets Dickapitated. Catherine the Great is majestic.
Easily my favorite battle. 

Who won: You did, by watching this.
Best part: The whole thing. 

 

 

Posted in Humor, The Arts | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Random thoughts of a random fellow, take 16

 

 

Do Wi-Fi passwords still exist
after the router dies?

Q: why do so many gypsies play musical instruments?
A: because people want to see where their hands are.

I’m so old, I remember when Internet headlines didn’t all end with a question mark.

When you have a big travel bag, you will fill up every available square inch.
When you have a small travel bag, you will realize you can do with even less space than you have.
I think there’s a lesson to be learned here.

You can tell a lot about an asshole by the noun used to describe him.

If you are unwilling to provide public transportation, just sell the people cars and convince them it’s “freedom”

Maybe she’s porn with it, maybe it’s Autocomplete.

Life has two meanings: entertainment and growth.

An almighty being would not work in mysterious ways.
Unless you expected him to.

I went on a tourist excursion once.
They sure took me for a ride.

People who wish to be judged by their cars, should be.

I know it was you, Semifreddo.
You broke my diet.

If the wicked shall have no rest, won’t they have more time for their wicked plans?

In a finite universe,  every edition is a “limited edition” and every offer is “time limited”.

People are the same wherever you go, they all say I need a haircut.

——————————————————————————————

It’s a shame what’s happening with the Syrian refugees.

If only there was a country in Europe, or at least Asia Minor,
which could take them in.
A country with a well established Islamic faith, where they will not feel out of place.
A beautiful land, stretching across more than 0.783 million square kilometers, where they may settle down and find refuge.
A sovereign nation with over 77 million citizens, where they will hardly be noticed.
A place with a strong army, and a GDP that’s higher than Brazil’s,
so they may feel safe and secure.

And if only, and this is just crazy wishful thinking, this magical kingdom shared a 400 kilometer border with Syria.

‪#‎youmaysayimadreamer‬

 

Posted in Humor, Overthinking it | Leave a comment

Random thoughts of a random fellow, Take 15

How hot was it in Paris today?
I actually saw a painted watch melting.

The opposite of mañana is Jetzt.

Doesn’t matter how many films you already have on your hard drive, you always want to watch the last one you downloaded.

Even if he is the only inmate, the prisoner believes the gallows are for someone else

Give them milk, and two years later they ask for cookies.
#Slipperyslope

The holy Quran, 99 out of 100 terrorists swear by it.

The only important question for humanity: will we make other planets habitable before we make ours inhabitable?

I WAS ONLY ORDERING FOLLOWERS

People with no organ donor cards, nothing good will come out of them.

“Palestinian” is the name Arabs give to their mistakes.

I wanted to take a picture at the Louvre, but they said I couldn’t.
Turns out they are very valuable.

Israel is actually quite safe.
We haven’t had a war in year.

The main obstacle to world peace, is my lack of ambition.

When will they have a “take your enthusiasm for work day”?

Posted in Humor, Overthinking it, Uncategorized | Leave a comment